My Sorrow

Matt 5 Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

I was driving home from the TG lodge tonight. It is late and I am driving by myself. Most of the time I listen to music when I’m driving back into the Springs. Reflecting on the day. Trying to feel. Trying to slow down. And as I was slowing down I felt this.

What if I am trying to out run my sorrow? And no matter how far or how fast I run it is always at my heels. Waiting for me to reach exhaustion and give up. What if God chases after us with our sorrow because he knows we must wrestle with that first before He can give us joy? What if it is Gods kindness when He is pursuing us with sorrow? Almost like He wants sorrow for us first so he can trust us with His joy?

I am so afraid of my sorrow. Afraid of the reminder of my own brokenness, the places I hurt and have been hurt, and the places I am longing for healing and redemption. I am afraid of its consumption. I am afraid of how it makes me feel out of control. Sorrow makes me feel powerless, like a powerful river. It takes you where it desires, not where you desire.

What if the depths of my own sorrow is equal to the depth of my joys? Is it possible that those that those that know deep sorrow also feel deep joy? Like our hearts need to break down that far from sorrow so the joys of life and love have a place to go.

I have a lot to learn from my sorrow.

Everyone is Broken

I forget this. Everyone has their stuff. Their fears and insecurities. Most of this comes up as I a spend more time with those closest to me. I start to feel them annoying me, maybe being selfish, maybe not seeing me as an individual. I'm feeling myself get angry. And that anger may be justifed. Yet when I stop and think. I pause for a moment. I begin to see how they are maybe as afraid as or more afraid than I am in that moment. The fears just manifest themselves differently and my interpretation of that expression of fear is being seen through my own flawed brokenness.

And at that moment I have the capacity to love, to empathize. It is a moment of maturity when I can not only see myself but see others as well. Not dishonoring myself but also not dishonoring my companion.

My challenge is to hold both perspectives in tension. The fear and insecurity I own and the brokenness of my friend. Is this love?

I think of Jesus. When he was tired and needed rest and the crowds came. Wanting and Needing. And in the midst of his need for rest, saw the need of the people and offered healing and himself.

My baby daughter Sage (18 weeks) does this funny thing every morning when she wakes up. At about 630 every morning for wakes up and tries to talk out load….to apparently no one. She is not crying, she is trying to talk. Making awkward sounds that sound like attempts to communicate. Sometimes I wake up and just listen to her. It sounds so simple and conversational. I like to think she is talking to Jesus.

And it encourages me that my walk with Christ should look very similar. Simple and conversational. It makes me look forward to rising early to spend time with Jesus.